A Page from Usagi's Diary

I had another Seiya dream last night.  

I was at a party or something and I knew he was there.  I tried to tell myself not to look for him but I couldn't really help it.  I just knew he was there and I was going to run into him soon.  I think part of me might have known I was dreaming because it was just like walking through a movie – I knew what was going to happen but I couldn't control it.  Anyway, I finally saw him chatting with someone, drink in hand.  He looked so hot.  You know, it's been nine years since I've seen him and in my dreams his face is just as clear as if I had seen him right before falling asleep.   It gives me the chills every time I see those eyes.

At first, I felt really shy even though he hadn't seen me.  Eventually he saw me and we started talking, I don't remember about what.  I just remember the feeling, like my legs had disappeared and I was just floating there in front of him.  When he put a hand on my face, I woke up.  

It's amazing how strong and almost overwhelming the emotions are in these dreams.  But then when I wake up and it seems so silly.  This guy in the dream isn't a real person - he's an imaginary version of a real person, but I don't even know that person anymore.   Seiya and I, whatever we had, it was fleeting.  I mean, I know there was real emotion there.  Of course there was, otherwise I wouldn't still be having these dreams almost a decade later.  Dream Usagi might be in love with Seiya still but real Usagi knows how useless that is.

Fate and destiny and all that – maybe that's why we are apart now.  I love my life now, my family.  I have Endy and little Chibiusa (we can talk about how weird it is to know your kid before you have your kid, but I think I will save that for another entry).  I really want to make it clear how much I love Endymion.  He's really my world.  Seiya isn't even there in my life, no matter how often I seem to conjure him up in my dreams.  Seiya filled a need I had at the time and I'm sure that what I felt was real, but that's not where my life was meant to go.

I do wonder if he dreams about me in the same way.  Part of me hopes he does.  Is it bad that I almost look forward to these dreams when I can see him?  I don't even know what I would do if I saw him again in person.  I guess that is so unlikely that I probably don't even have to worry about it.

Actually,  I think it would be better if I never saw him again.